I remember the day I filled out the application at Carrabba’s Italian Grill. It was a Monday, fairly early in the afternoon. We had eaten there the previous Friday night. My wife and I had talked about me getting a part-time job to help with expenses. I had fairly recently resigned from my church position and was pouring myself into finishing graduate school at break-neck speed. A small job to make a little money seemed frugal and to be something of a novelty. Filling out the application was something else. I hadn’t filled out an application for a job since undergraduate school. It felt terribly humbling in some ways. I met the assistant manager who immediately seemed to like me and want me to jump in with both feet. I would meet my boss (the propieter) the next day for about 10 seconds. I had no idea this part-time job would become such a part of my life for the next two and a half years.
I’ve complained plenty about working in this restaurant. The lack of leadership, discipline, focus and maturity has been a constant source of disappointment and anxiety. And I have tried repeatedly to mentor peers and supervisors, sometimes with little to show for the effort. I have wanted to quit on numerous occassions. But tonight, my final night on staff, I didn’t want to.
I know the reasons I’m walking away from this. I want to be significantly more available to people as a spiritual director and guide. I want to have more time and energy to think, pray, read and interact with others about Rivendell. I want to be more available during the week to people and to my family. But for this last week, its been hard to see all that.
And maybe that’s why I need to walk away the most. There’s something about working at the restaurant that clouds my vision, weakens my resolve and slows the steps of my call to vocational ministry. There are a number of elements of this that distract my passion and focus and that obviously weaken my disciplines. I know my decision to walk away is a good one and is the right one.
And everyone there seemed to understand that too. Most of the drama that highlights the nightly restaurant meladrama was present. There was a genuine appreciation for what I’ve given and some sweet sentiments expressed (including home-make cupcakes, some sugar cookies and a cake). I even spent some time at a company-wide party after work as a final farewell.
It was a bitter-sweet night. I had a moment as I left tonight where the place was empty and silent and I had it entirely to myself. And I did the only thing I knew to do – I prayed. I said something along this lines of this:
Thank you for this. I wound never have asked you to lead me into it, but being a server has been an amazing spiritual practice. I have learned so much about myself and about hospitality, business, integrity, teaching, evangelism and even wine and bartending. These 31 months have not been easy – quite regularly I have had at least one stretch a week where I’d have no real contact with my family for 48 hours straight. You’ve hammered at my pride, selfishness, personality and character through this. And you’ve used to me change a lot of people’s minds about what it means to be Christian.
Tonight was sweet and also pretty hard. There are still some conversations that feel unfinished; there are still some relationships that feel incomplete. There a couple folks I really hope I will still be able to stay connected with. But I have sensed this moment coming for at least a year. And financial need may drive me back, maybe. But its time.
Near the end of the night there was a spark that helped me finish in peace and confidence. Steve walked in. Jim came in almost a minute later. Then Lee and Kendra. Then Daniel. And at the last second (literally, the front door was locked) Mark. I can’t tell you all how much your presence meant to me and ministered to me. Thank you for being there. I didn’t know any of you when I started at the restaurant. But now I can’t imagine having finished without you.
